Shaped by the destitution and poverty of her Palo Alto upbringing, Jossy was often forced to survive on fewer than 3 fully organic vegetarian meals a day as a child. It's been said that Jossy’s unruliness was borne of the wanton circumstances unbearably pressed upon her during her youth. Faced with the need to fight for her next helping of kale salad or gluten-free avocado toast, her generally belligerent disposition formed early and survives to this day. By far the bridesmaid most likely to tackle you, Jossy arrives at the wedding with a sense of purpose: to beat you at whatever you think you’re good at. I dare you to tell her otherwise. She’ll beat you at that too.
Who says they don’t have princesses in Oklahoma? Most people. But not Laura. More comfortable in a tiara than the cowboy hat better known to her native state, Laura wants your attention. Surprisingly competent in her career as the District Attorney of San Francisco by day, Laura is anything but at night. Diva-esque and prancing, you’ll find her on the dance floor, flashing her DA badge almost as often as she flashes her…eyelids. Get your mind out of the gutter. Especially if you want her help getting out of jail.
Don’t like to talk much? Too bad. That’s what Liz always says. She’s going to get those secrets out of you. By far the bubbliest bridesmaid, Liz spends most of her free time playing games and maniacally attempting to explore the inner reaches of others people’s souls. While you’re unlikely to escape her web of psychological dissection during afternoon and evening hours, your best bet is to rise early...that is, before noon. Since it’s been said that the only thing Liz likes more than other people’s secrets is her sleep.
Frequently harassed by older brothers in her youth, Mackenzie grew up fast and knew she needed a change. Soon fleeing her flat Texas surroundings for the placid tranquility of the mountains, she pursued the most logical course of action by befriending a troupe of squalid misfits who live, barefoot and starving, out of the backs of their vans. Dirtbags (as they are known) would come to define her. Soon filthy and ragged herself, Mackenzie now spends most of her waking hours hanging from the sides of cragged rocks and panhandling for her next meal--making her (by far) the scroungiest bridesmaid. She has begrudgingly agreed to bathe prior to the wedding ceremony--but only in exchange for 2 granola bars and 1 medium-sized bag of organic walnuts. So say hello but don’t cross her--with the climber’s grip of a grown orangutan and the runner’s speed of an African antelope, you’re sure not to get far.
With a well-documented affinity for a specific brand of erudite, tractable, and irresistibly lissome Caucasian male, Kobash is the bridesmaid most likely to date your nerdy white cousin. Having sharpened her medical skills in the swamps of the Big Easy for the past 5 years, she recently completed a cross-country roadtrip back to the area 100% accident-free--a seemingly miraculous feat due to her poor eyesight and subpar driving skills. And not at all because she is an Asian woman. So drop by her table, welcome her back, and get to know the one they call the Beef. She’s what’s for dinner.
Having been diagnosed at a young age with the sleep patterns of a mildly lethargic octogenarian, Lindsey has long struggled to make it through the waking daylight hours with fewer than 3 naps per day. Not exactly a narcoleptic, but nevertheless more prone to intermittent snoozing than most those thrice her age, Lindsey is the bridesmaid most likely to be asleep right now. Relying on two sources of encouragement to keep her awake, though not necessarily alert, Lindsey is first inspired by the fact that her primary constituents in her role as an elementary school teacher share surprisingly similar sleep patterns to her own. And when her brilliant students are not enough, the nectar of the mountain gods has always been there to keep her pressing forward. Taste the Rockies ®, sister. Taste. The. Rockies ®.
The one they call Kiki doesn’t lie: you suck real bad. That’s right. If you can’t stand the heat, get outta the kitchen. Undeniably mean from a young age, no one ever fully understood what possessed Kiki to be so incredibly direct...with everyone...about everything. Some call it honest, some call it vindictive. At the end of the day, Kiki is the bridesmaid least likely to care. Amazingly, Kiki is also the only bridesmaid who has yet to succeed in creating another human being. As the only thing in the world she loves more than cake, her son Robbie Jr idolizes his mom. While we are all saddened by the fact that he will ultimately fail in his quest to out-sass her, we can all take solace in one thing: at least we know his real name. Who the hell is Amy, anyway?
Raised on the mean streets of Salinas, CA, Noel had to find a way to escape the hoodrat lifestyle that ultimately consumes so many. Seeking a way out, she turned to the one obvious solution that saved so many lost souls before her: competitive baton twirling. Always great with a stick, she blazed her way through regionals and took second at State--ultimately failing to claim the title from a nimbly Taiwanese immigrant child named Stik-Stok Su. Having used her passion to escape the drug-strewn road to perdition but not willing to completely let go of her thuggish roots, she maintains the one great talent from her childhood that keeps her real: a certain proclivity for lyrical, beat-based poetry. Noel is the bridesmaid most likely to whip your ass in a spontaneous rap battle. Challenge her, son. I dare you.
Genetically predisposed to live out her days in a state of confusing intensity, Diana is the only bridesmaid truly worthy of her nickname: Crazyface. Calm down, you say? KABAM!!! says she. One karate chop to the dome and you’re done. Posing as your run-of-the-mill management consultant during the day, Crazy moonlights as a rugby playing adrenaline fiend. The most likely bridesmaid to end up in the swimming pool at the end of the night, you better believe she’s dragging you with her. This one goes to 11.
Seeking tirelessly to buck the Colorado stereotype of peaceful granola-eating hippy liberals, Kelsey aggressively disseminates her hardcore militant feminist message to the farthest reaches of the universe instead. Never content with having just one last name, she continues to question Melissa’s decision to take that of her husband-to-be. Fierce and feisty, yet surprisingly caring, Kelsey is the bridesmaid most likely to find fault in your general lack of progressive life decisions, while at the same time still helping to save your pathetically unenlightened redneck life.
Nothing says trusted pediatrician like Burning Man. That’s what Lee always says. When she’s not doing something incredible to save children’s lives, she may be doing something psychedelic to expand their horizons. When not helping kids or testing “up-and-coming pharmaceuticals” for the FDA, Lee has been known to put her creative talents to business use--having recently started her own ironic bumper sticker company. Her favorite catchphrase, you ask? Well you’ll just have to ask her about those extra retentive Puritans.
Heiress to a bizarre lettuce empire, Lacey’s father (Ty Cobb Salad) impressed one thing upon her during her youth: you always stay on 17. An inveterate and compulsive gambler, Lacey bets on everything from football to Forex. Got a life savings? She’ll double it. Only got a few bucks? You’re not worth her time. Running a cryptic wealth management operation out of her San Francisco estate, her consistent market “returns” appear similar to those of the many Ponzi schemes come before hers. When will it collapse? Wouldn’t you like to know. Ante up, boys. This one will take you for all you’re worth.
"But if he's the 'best' man, shouldn't she be marrying HIM?"
After suffering through years of isolation in a metal tube traveling listlessly throughout the ocean depths, Brendan emerged from his naval confines a changed man. The same in many ways (he is still much taller than Ian) but different in others (he dresses like Dwight Schrute more frequently these days), he remains haunted by the one white whale that yet eludes him. Kim Jong Un lives.
Determined to fulfill his destiny, Brendan has graciously taken a break from his pursuit of the North Korean dictator to perform the best man duties at the wedding. Immediately after the reception, he will return to the Pacific to fulfill his quest. You are advised to make the best use of his valuable time and pepper him with detailed questions about this when you see him.
Non sibi sed patriae.
Mustache or eye brow, you ask? Wouldn't you like to know. Confident and outgoing, often endearing and sometimes annoying, Austin is the most gratuitously outlandish groomsman. With sugar in his shoes and a dash of bravado, he'll wear an animal costume to your office party. Blatant attention seeker, you say? Woman, please.
Weighing in at 155 pounds dripping wet, Mark is officially the lightest groomsman. Don't let size deceive you though--one look into those eyes says it all. Strong-willed and stubborn, Mark has never met an argument he didn't like. I dare you to tell that nose otherwise.
Clever, direct, and affable, Greg is the groomsman most likely to be checking the market right now. As a toddler, Greg caused a brief industry sensation when his first words were "buy low, sell high". Much to his father's delight, his son seemed destined to become a finance bro. But alas, one too many hours staring at a Bloomberg terminal eventually led to a temporary blindness that could only be corrected by wearing sunglasses indoors. The irony was lost on no one, and (thankfully) Greg has since made a full recovery.